KSA

 When I first get into nursing program I use to joke with my friends that after graduation we will travel to KSA and make so much money and become rich, but then life happen, we all go out separate ways and go through our life differently than what we use to imagine.

I was a long time ago, and after all up and down I have been a nurse for 12 years, so much pain and tears, but also so much happiness and satisfaction. Never had  I imagine that one days I will come to KSA.

We plan, and Allah plan, and Allah is the best of planner. So here I'm in Jeddah KSA reliving my dream long time ago. Allah have given me the chance to travel, learn, earn money, but most importantly to prays and be closer to him. And fot that I will be forever grateful. 

My Allah bless us with the best in this world and the hereafter 😁

I'm Nobody

 

A cold that pretend to be passionate,

A chain that pretend to be free, 

What did you end up being?

A fireworks that burnt magnificently.

Keep chasing, 

Whose glory is not accompanied by tears?

I'm Nobody

Do No Harm

 

8 April 2021

I burn my hand, scalded with hot oil. 

That day I lost my body image. 

8 May 2021

I crash my car, getting summon.

That day I lost my confident. 

8 June 2021

I resign from work, To stressfull. 

That day I lost my Job. 

8 July 2021

I hurt my nephew, It was accident.

That day I lost my heart. 

And I learn that I would prefer getting hurt

thousand times rather than hurting people. 

Ya Allah, please guide me, 

protect me, and show me mercy. 

May Allah ease. 

Let It Go

Maybe the times has comes

For me to let go of the past

that have chain me

in a memories 

that killing my soul slowly

Maybe the times has comes

For me to walk away

From all the thing

That has been eating at me slowly

Maybe the times has comes

For sun to shines again

To rejuvenate my soul

And heal what left of my broken heart

Relevation

 Something bad happen to me,

And i realise, all this time, 

I have been doing life wrong,

I see life in new light and new perspectives, 

And i cannot unseen it,

And continue being the old me. 

I'm going thru metamorphosis,

I'm changing,

Hopefully for the better, 

And happier me. 

InshaAllah. 

May Allah ease

3 Years Later

If anybody ask, I will tell them,
Im no longer the same person as before..
My face might look the same,
But deep down, after 3 years, im not the same person anymore...

But today, more than ever,
Im glad, because this blog remind me,
Who i use to be, who I see myself in the future..

I feel melancholy,
But I also feel more confident,
As im reminded who im,
And what i have archieved..

Thanks Allah for everything, and one
Day when I see this, i hope i smile..
😁

They said you should not think too much..

Because the past can't be change,

Because the future is still unknown,

The present is your priority.

But somehow I'm stuck,

In between unaccomplished past,

And uncertain future,

I'm drowning.

I have started to wonder,

What if my past that shaped my future,

What if my future is not that of my choosing,

What if I'm given the choices again,

Will I still choose the same thing.

Maybe, it's time to move on,

Or maybe it's time to let go,

As the present get more complicated,

Until I can't no longer, go on.

Aku mahu pulang

It's been 2 years since I left..
I change a lot, I grew up a lot..
But then I find myself farther away from 'Him'..
How I had stray away without realising it.

Lately, I had been feeling down, feeling old
And unaccomplished..
How I long to go back home..
How each and every cell in me screaming
I wanna go back..

Aku Mahu pulang..
Ke suatu tempat yang aku rindukan,
Aku Mahu kembali..
Ke jalan yang aku tinggalkan,
Aku Mahu melewati..
Masaku yang telah pergi,
Kerana yang aku rindukan,
Ternyata hanya sebuah kenangan..

The Real Deal!

Oliver: Was it even real for her?
Nikita: You were the only real thing in her life. We all wear masks. Everyone, everyday. Sometimes we wear them so much we forget who we really are. Sometimes, if we're lucky, someone comes along and shows us who we really want to be; who we should be. You were that for her.

~La Femme Nikita~

When will I be able to open the mask? be myself...
Take control, and be all you can be.

Life like that, Deal with it, Go with the Flow!

What will be, will be...

To tired to think already...

Tick Tock

Tick tock..

The sound of the clock..

Tick tock..

Im feeling stuck..

When clock keep tickling..

But I  did not start running. .

Im stuck.. dont know what happening..

Tick tock..
The sound of the clock..
It making my heart stop..
It make my jaws drop..


When the world start spinning. .
And I kept on dreaming. .
I will end up falling..

When the tick tock stop..
Where will I be?..

When other sound emerged. .
When everything is lost..
Will I be able to appreciate. .
The tick tock?

Lazy Day

mmmm...

Today, i dont feel like doing anything...
Dont feel like writing anything...

Somehow, i wanted to write this...
So that when i feeling like wanted to give up...

I can see this post..
and remember how i decided to started..

And i wanted to keep this feeling inside me...
The feeling of gratefulness..
Feeling bless and happy..

Thank you Allah...
Maybe one day....

PsychO

I learn about psychiatric...
I have seen psychiatric patient...
I have been with them..
I have work for them..

But now, I'm more closer to them than ever,
Coz maybe, just maybe...
I will become psychiatric patient myself...

Who knows?
Coz life is like that..
You'll not be here forever..
nor are they...

So, why judge??
Before the Day itself

The day Allah judge all of us..
The day that none will be misjudge...

None of us is superior to one another...
None of us is inferior to one another...
Coz in Allah eye,
What matter is TAQWA...

And that what I need to strive for..
Whether being a psycho or not..
: )

Change of Heart?

Starting a new job..
Moving into a new house..
Living in a new place..
Working in a new department. .
Being in new environment. ..

A lot of thing had change in my life..
Some are thing that I really wants. .
Other just change that I really need
Or maybe something that I just cannot avoid..

Whatever it is. . The only change that really affected me...
Really scares the hell out of me..
Really bothers me..
Making people around me feel shocked.

It the kind of change that suddenly occurs..
Change from within me..
Changes from my heart..
Complete change of myself. .
Transforming my identity. .

Where is that girl?
That I always depend on..
That I always adores..
That I'm most confidence with..
Where's the old me?

Maybe this is the price I had to pay...
For making drastic decision..
On a wimp..
Without really thinking through..

But this time. . I'm enduring it..
Trying to adapt.. conserved.. and deal with changes..

I determined to become stronger..
If I cannot fight the changes...
If I cannot stop it..
If I find no ways to conserve the old me..

Then.. the time have come..for me to change accordingly... adapt..
Work hard.. pray harder..
Be someone better...
Inshaaallah. .. may Allah ease..

Freedom

Apa ertinya bebas?
Apa itu ketenangan?
Apa itu bahagia?
Apa ukurannya?

Dulu kau bilang, kau tidak percaya..
Bila mereka bilang hidup adalah untuk mengesakan Allah..
Kerna ucapannya cuma dibibir doang..
Ngakk dipraktikkan melalui perbuatan...

Justru kau menilai mereka?

Tapi kini, sesudahnya kau mulai berubah...
Mulai seperti mereka...
Bagaimana itu?
Sudahnya apa maksud hidupmu?
Berpoya-poya tanpa kesudahan...
Lalu kau tertanya lagi...

Apa ertinya bebas?
Apa itu ketenangan?
Apa itu bahagia?
Apa ukurannya?

Sampai bila baru kau bisa mengerti..
Kalau semuanya datang dari hati..
Bahagia? Ketenangan? Kebebasan?

Jawapnya :

 الَّذِيْنَ ءَامَنُوْا وَتَطْمَئِنُّ قُلُوْبُـهُمْ بِذِكْرِ اللهِ أَلا بِذِكْرِ اللهِ تَطْمَئِنُّ الْقُلُوْبُ

28. (yaitu) orang-orang yang beriman dan hati mereka manjadi tenteram dengan mengingat Allah. Ingatlah, hanya dengan mengingati Allah-lah hati menjadi tenteram. (Ar- Ra'd)

Dengan mengingati Allah SWT, hati menjadi tenang....
Jiwa bebas dari belenggu duniawi...
Justru kebahagian dapat dicapai....

Makanya, ukurlah ketenangan, kebebasan dan kebahagiaanmu...
Dengan sebanyak mana kau mengingati Allah SWT...
Penciptamu...

Operation Wedding

So.. 1 already married. ..

Another 2 more 2 go b4 2 years time...

After that, another 1...

Then, it'll be my turn...

Another 2 n a 1/2 years b4 I am gonna settle down..

Hopefully will be able to gain exp n money..

Back to penang in 2 year time..

Settle thing down for once and all...

Will I make it?

2 year is really a long time..

Will I really survived through this..

I dont know. ..

But for now.. let stick to the plan..

Work hard. ..

Pray hard..

Be happy with whatever ALLAH plan for me..

So.. let start the operation. . 

For the sake of 2 years time..

Being Human? Human Being ?

30 March 2002

I had experienced the pain...
I had been there...
Seeing all those thing...
feeling it crawling underneath my skin...
The terrible scents of death...

And I had been thinking
What if ?
What if i'm given another chances?
Second chances to fix everything?

So, I work hard...
Trying, and struggling..
Waiting for the second chances...

4 August 2013

It happen again...
Experiencing the same thing all over again..
This is my second chances, to fix everything..
But still I do nothing..

Maybe i did not work hard enough..
Maybe i did not try..
Or maybe i'm just plain weak..

Seeing them die... Both the people i love..
Both the people i care about...
Both in the same way..

It frustrating, isn't it?
Knowing but still can do nothing?

Maybe this second chances..
Is my second chances to fail..
And my second chances to grieve..

Or it is simply a friendly reminder..
That we are just human..
And that is what we are..

New Girl to The City

LIFE VS LIVE

Sejak dua menjak ini, ku mencari fungsi kewujudan
Dalam persekitaran yang penuh kejumudan
Terperangkap dalam jasad, ku keliru
Mujur ada kau si peneutralisasi pilu

Namun aku tetap murung, berkurung
Tubuh makin susut, menunggu tarikh luput
Komplikasi di halaman rusuk kiri
Makin sukar nak bernafas, nak bergerak, nak berdiri

Sumber : http://www.liriklagumuzika.com/2012/06/lirik-lagu-teman-pengganti-black-ft.html#ixzz2Vdy3I1Md

Fuck fuck fuck

HorroR

Aku suka tgk cerita dekat tv...
cerita boleh mghiburkan hati, boleh menghilangkan kebosanan, boleh juga mengajar benda baru...

Tapi lately banyak cerita2 merepek dengan makhluk2 pelik yg menyeramkan...
Seram giler bila tgk cerita2 mcm tu....

Tapi I didn't realised, ada yg lebih menyeramkan dalam hidup ni...
Apa yg lebih menyeramkan adalah AKU!!

Aku semakin menyeramkan, membencikan dan memeluatkan...
I'm so sick n tired of being me... I hate enduring all this and going on with my life...
But I still going on , sacrificing the thing that I love sooo much...

I feel empty and depress, I feel alone and abandoned....
But the thing is I'm empty.. heartless, painless, and feelingless...
and that is scary...

It coming again, hunting me... I;m afraid that i'm no longer strong,
No longer have the energy to fight..
I'm afraid of falling again into it hand.....

All 5 years of suffering and traumatised,
And how hard i work to get out of it...

Now, I'm all alone,
fighting again my worse enemy,
Abandoning people i love,
For the reason that i dont know,
For the sake of serenity and peace,
that i never find....

Living a wasted life...
My life is scariest of all movies i ever watch...
A complete Horror!!

And I still have nobody to turn to..
or to talk to...
how stupid.... how this bullshit...
Is a life of mine...

Pictures

This is the clock upon the wall
This is the story of us all

Pictures of you, pictures of me
Hung upon your wall for the world to see
Pictures of you, pictures of me
Remind us all of what we used to be

Confess to me, every secret moment
Every stolen promise you believed
Confess to me, all that lies between us
All that lies between you and me

We are the boxers in the ring
We are the bells that never sing
There is a title we can't win no matter
How hard we might swing

Pictures of you, pictures of me
Hung upon your wall for the world to see
Pictures of you, pictures of me
Remind us all of what we could have been

To : The Happy You

In the time of difficulty is when I will remember, 
the You and the Me that so happy together,
When we live a life without worry,
When we have nothing to feel sorry...                                                 

From : The Saddening Me